Quick recap… I have C-PTSD, ADHD with RSD, Anxiety, Depression and a touch of sensory issues but that one I can manage pretty well!
My trauma recovery and mental health journey has been a long road with lots of speed bumps but I am not giving up because I want to be a better me every day!
I hate to say it but this week a big break through for me happened at a parenting class! Yes, I am taking a parenting class because I want to do better for my kids too.
We talked about Trauma brained people and the difference between them and those that have minimal to no trauma.
Those with trauma brains have PERMANENT damage to the brain. We live in a state of Survival Brain even if there is no perceived danger. We can’t turn it off! We are hardwired this way. Our brains have an upstairs and a downstairs as it was explained. Upstairs is reasoning, soothing, calming abilites and so on… basically its the evolved brain. The downstairs is responsible for fight, flight or freeze and basic survival… it’s the lizard brain or caveman brain.
Trauma brained people have an extremely well developed downstairs brain and an under developed upstairs brain.
Some of my trauma signs are… over analytical, obsessive attention to my surroundings and always on guard, feel emotions fast and hard, I am attuned to those around me more than they are to themselves, I struggle to express emotions and physical issues just to name a few!
In trying to heal my trauma I am trying to understand these signs and why I have them and sharing it with my husband so he can help me regulate and manage it all.
I am over analytical because I couldn’t just talk when I was younger. There had to be a purpose or question and I had to have all facts and thoughts together before even talking.
I am obsessive about my surroudings because I never knew what I would walk into at home so I studied every look, movement, sigh, tone and so on so that I knew WHO I had to be to those around me so they would accept me but I wasn’t able to show them the real me let alone find it.
I feel everything fast and hard because I wasn’t allowed to show it. For me, it was like a race to feel and push it away so I didn’t get caught. This also plays into expressing my feelings.
I am attuned (Attunement in psychology is a term that describes how reactive a person is to another’s emotional needs and moods. It involves a kinesthetic and emotional sensing of others, knowing their rhythm, affect and experience, and creating a feeling of connectedness by providing a reciprocal response.) to others better than they are attuned to themselves. I can tell something is off before they can.
All of this has taken a toll on me as a person and how I respond to others because of how I am wired due to the traumas. I have to have plans A, B, C and D or I can’t relax, I am not comfortable going out in crowds because I don’t know how to be myself since it is a person I didnt get to start discovering until recently so going out gives me anxiety and again I can’t relax, I struggle to share emotions because it wasn’t encouraged so when I do share I tend to cry and 99% of the time it is because of the embarassment I feel over sharing feelings, asking for help with anything or the deep guilt/shame/anger I have at my traumas, I attune to people because my stability relies on their stability. If they are good than so am I. If they aren’t than I am not. It’s just how I had to be when younger. All of this is out of self preservation for myself. All of this is from trauma and how I was molded to be.
I can’t reverse it. I can’t mkae it go away. I can’t just make it stop. My traumas made me who I am today. I can look at them different. I am trying to take the guilt/shame/anger out of my feelings about the traumas. I am trying to look at my signs as positives and using them to help me love myself more. I am trying to find forgiveness in myself and my way forward.
I see having back up plans as practical and instead of having 5 at all times I am trying to have just 1 or 2 and trust me it has come in handy! I am trying to say yes to more things and go out more but if I get anxious I’m trying not to beat myself up about ruining it and focusing on I tried! I am working on being more direct with my feelings and words and instead of holding things in I am asking questions and informing my partner how I feel (no, it doesn’t always go swimmingly) and I have told my husband that if he doesn’t understand or has questions about what I am saying than to voice it so we can handle it all then. I like being attuned to those around me because sometimes I see something they don’t and we can handle it before it gets too bad.
I am trying to be more open to change and I try to take my questions/problems/emotions to my husband and if it comes out wrong I am working on not shutting down and not self sabotaging myself or throwing out negative talk. Again, with communication it gets hard. I am a person that can understand just about anything as long as I get the thought process that got you there. I can understand it even if it isn’t the way my mind works or something I would do.
In a need for understanding, I question everything. Some people feel questions are a challenge or disrespectful or accusations and judegment. I personally do not feel that way. If I am asking you a question I am interested in the question and answer. It can be hard still getting people to undestand I am asking the question purely because it is knowledge I am seeking.
I am trying to find the balance in my life that reflects who I am now while I let go of who I was made to be. I won’t always get it right but I want to keep trying. I want to be better for myself and those around me. I want happiness and joy in my life. I will keep working on it despite the speed bumps and the uncomfortable moments and the fights because we don’t understand each other. I will still be here to try it all again tomorrow because it is important.
I am sad that the damage to my brain is permanent. I am sad that I won’t be what others see as normal. I am sad that people might see me as crazy. I am sad about so much. But being able to recognize what I am sad for and why means I can grieve it and find a better way forward.
I know my posts have been getting a little real and deep but it is where I am at right now and it is what I have to share. I hope it helps you in some way!
Until next time,
Pretty in Pink
Pretty in Pink 