When my husband came to me and said he wanted something more and different… I didn’t know what to think. Sex, kink and other taboo subjects weren’t something I was comfortable with talking about; let alone doing!
The beginning of my journey was fairly common from what I have learned from others. I didn’t know what I liked or didn’t like, I didn’t know what I wanted or what there could even be to want! So many things made me curious and tentative at the same time.
Finding the material to research was a daunting task! Most books were of the steamy fantasy BDSM erotica that didn’t really teach me anything. The other books I could find were almost always from a very strict Dom that felt their way was the only way or a professor or therapist of some sort that made the entire thing very clinical or books that had good reviews but were very generic with no real substance. I joined some groups on social networking but most of them were just open meat markets with no real respect of people… Don’t get me wrong, there were a few people of substance in them and we have stayed friends but overall not the place to learn anything.
We live kind of rural and there aren’t local events in the community often and when they are close-ish enough for us to try and go we have no childcare. I found the kinkster site FL to be more than a little aggressive for me… So I deleted it and moved on.
My husband didn’t want to influence anything so he let me take the lead and ask to try things or ask questions. We tried to work at my speed but that didn’t work. There was too much information and not enough at the same time, there were too many things to try but no idea where to start, there was who I thought I was, who I thought I should be and who I was trying to be… They were fighting to be front and center at the same time ALL the time. I was lost, confused, overwhelmed, I didn’t know anything about myself or why I am who I am. I tried to be who I thought my husband wanted me to be. I was all over the map! One minute I would be bratty and push all the buttons, the next I was Middle and lost in a video game, then I would be super service oriented and throw in masochism, impact play, wax play, sensory overload and a million other things but I never found the baseline for me. I have read that many subs can enjoy the “frenzy” stage and move past it and into who they are… Well, not the case for me… The “Frenzy” stage was not fun or fulfilling. But, you live and learn.
Next, we had an extremely emotional, personal and traumatic event happen. We had some tough decisions to make and a lot of pain to work through… Individually and as a couple. I took the personal time to wade through my traumas (ALL of them) and for the first time in my life; I put ME first and got to know myself. Getting to know me meant understanding how my traumas affected my ADHD with RSD, C-PTSD, Depression and Anxiety and in turn my peronality, my marriage, my family and my friends. Now, I know myself, my emotions, my wants, dreams, goals, fantasies and so much more in ways I never thought possible!
Until Next Time,
Pretty in Pink 🩷
Pretty in Pink 