This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I have always been the type of person that held a little something back. I have always been afraid to show my vulnerability. I have been afraid that expressing my needs would smother or burden my partner.
My Daddy and I have been together for about 20 years and still I had a hard time getting over those feelings. My Daddy travels for work and sometimes he is gone a lot and sometimes he is home more. When he would travel I would tell him I missed him and loved him and we would sext and have phone sex but still I was holding back from telling him how much I wanted to be next to him, kiss him, touch him or just be near him. I felt like it would make me come across as needy, clingy, smothering co-dependent or a million other things that plague an overthinker with anxiety.
When he would, travel I would hold back texting during work hours because I was afraid I would bother him if it was just to say Hi or I was thinking about him… So slowly, I would pull back and wait for him to reach out to me and engage then but there was still more that I wanted to say and still held inside.
How could I tell him that I was a puddle inside and out for him when our realtionship was built on me being strong, independent and capable alone so that he could travel and build his career with no worries about home life? How could I show him that I was still all that but in need of him? Would it be too much? Would it push him away instead of bringing him closer? Would it be more than he bargained for?
Some days, I need my Daddy sexually… ok, a lot of days. Some days, I just need to be able to sleep next to him, feel his arms around me and his kisses on my shoulder that he does in his sleep. Some days, I long to shower him and feel of service to him. Some days, I need the purpose of being In Service to him. Some days, I just need the comfort of knowing he is near. Some days, I just need him to look at me and give me that knowing smile that I miss when he’s gone. There is so much that I need and want from my Daddy and so much that I hope that I give him.
I have never truly allowed myself to express these things to any person in my life. I struggle to find the words and confidence in saying them because I worry about how they make me sound. I’m ok being alone and I treasure the time I do have to recharge myself because I am more of an introvert. I can be very extroverted in situations and at some parties but that was a coping skill I learned young. I would people watch and see who I needed to be to make sure I stayed on the good side of them. I learned how to be extroverted when I had to be and then I would need a few days of down time to be back to myself. It was so draining and I never learned the true me… It was always a mask for the situation at hand.
Learning to be vulnerable and open with my feelings of want and need has been a new obstacle. I have talked to my Daddy about it and when I start feeling the need to pull back; I am to tell him so that he can reassure me that it is all ok. He reminds me he likes to hear how much I love him and the various ways that I want and need him. He also likes to make me uncomfortable on purpose… So he gets double the pleasure from it.
I love the feelings of want and need that I have for my Daddy but there are times that I doubt myself. I am thankful to have him to confide in when I have doubts. I am still trying to find the confidence in being vulnerable and I will continue trying every day.
I am loving the person that I am more and more every day. I am growing and learning every day and I never want that to stop. Sometimes, the most uncomfortable things that we push through end up being the most rewarding!
Until next time,
Pretty in Pink 🩷
Pretty in Pink 