Navigating past feelings and current feelings while muddling through life is exhausting!
I am going to start off by saying I love myself and I am happy with the person that life has formed me into but I am still growing and learning and it is not always a smooth and easy process. I am still figuring out things that strike a nerve in old wounds and trying to figure out why they affect me the way they do.
Lately, life has left me feeling invisible to those around me and hurt about it. When I was younger I would have given everything to be invisible to avoid the chaos of my life. In many ways I was invisible. I was a pawn in a game between parents that were so bitter towards each other that they forgot I was there until it was convenient for them again. My wants and needs were not heard, given thought to or valued. When I did find my voice and ask for attention I was made to feel guilty about it, left with an empty promise of attention or ignored. I learned young not to count on others and emancipated. The feeling of being invisible to those around me was buried deep but not healed and now I’m trying to fix it.
I am learning that there is a damage that runs deep and rears its ugly head at the worst times! I am learning that I still feel guilt, shame, embarassment and foolishness at asking for attention. I am learning that there is so much that fucked up my head and it leaves me feeling unlovable or unworthy of it. I feel like an obligation or burden to others when I ask for attention. I feel like if they were interested in me they would express it and asking for attention leaves me feeling as though I am forcing someone to do something they don’t want to.
I put everyone before myself and I always have. I know I do it because I never want someone to feel unimportant or not cared for like I have. I forget not everyone operates that way in life and I can’t hold that against them. I do have a part in how I feel about this because I can’t expect others to do as I do and then be upset when they don’t. I have to remember that people give and recieve love in different ways than myself. It’s hard to communicate any of this and not sound selfish to another person. Why is trying to explain feelings, wants and needs so difficult!
It’s hard to be so open and vulnerable with someone and hope they understand you. I have been trying to figure out what was going on in my head and I must confess I have gotten a little lost. I feel a little trapped between the person who was hurt so long ago and the person I am trying to fix. Lost without a guide on a path through the dark without a flashlight. Ugh…
I listen to music when I feel this way and at times it feels like it was written just for me. I want to share a few clips of the lyrics that are stuck in my head…
Sometimes I’m in a room where I don’t belong
And the house is on fire and there’s no alarm
And the walls are melting too
How ’bout you?
I’ve never been the favorite, thought I’d seen it all
‘Til I got my invitation to the lunatic ball
And my friends are coming too
How ’bout you?
Don’t worry, it’s all just a symptom of being human
Unpack all your baggage, hide it in the attic where
You hope it disappears
This all seems so familiar, but it doesn’t feel like home
It’s just another unknown
You’ve always been slightly awkward, kinda weird
Upside down and not all here
Right or wrong, it’s all so crystal clear
We’re all just passing through
Passengers on a ship of fools
And the other song…
I used to float, now I just fall down
I used to know, but I’m not sure now
What I was made for
What was I made for?
Taking a drive, I was an ideal
Looked so alive, turns out I’m not real
Just something you paid for
What was I made for? Hm
‘Cause I, I
I don’t know how to feel
But I wanna try
I don’t know how to feel
But someday I might
Someday I might
Mm, hm, ha-ah
Hm, hm, hm
When did it end? All the enjoyment
I’m sad again, don’t tell my boyfriend
It’s not what he’s made for
What was I made for?
‘Cause I, ’cause I
I don’t know how to feel
But I wanna try
I don’t know how to feel
But someday I might
Someday I might
Think I forgot how to be happy
Something I’m not, but something I can be
Something I wait for
Something I’m made for
I guess that’s it for today. I have been trying to get these words out for the last 5 hours and it still feels like I didn’t actually capture the point I was hoping to make. It’s almost as though my thoughts and words just can’t connect the way I wish they did.
Until next time,
Pretty in Pink
Pretty in Pink 