As I have shared, I am service oriented. I geniunely enjoy taking care of my people and I delight in caring for my Daddy. For me, being in service to or in service of my Daddy is my choice and I get strength from it.
That being said, there is a point when I lose happiness in my service to those around me. That happens when my service doesn’t seem appreciated but expected. I am a stay at home mom and full time wife so being in service is my job. It can be hard to find joy in a job where you don’t feel appreciated.
From there on out its a slippery slope. When I don’t feel appreciated then I start to feel invisible. When I start losing the pleasure of being in service and I start feeling invisible I feel like a maid and lose the strength that service gives me. When that starts slipping away I lose confidence in things and myself. In this state I’m a little lost and unsure of what to say or how to say it.
I know that life isn’t a fairy tale and life gets in the way of the best laid plans. I don’t expect a red carpet to be presented at my feet. There is still a part of me that wants to come home and find an outfit on the bed with a note to get ready for a night that I didn’t plan and leaves me with butterflies in suspense of being swept off my feet and what comes next. But, that isn’t life.
I know what my chosen role in service means and what I agreed to and I don’t regret it. I’m not unhappy in my life or role and it’s still what I want. Like everyone else I just want to be appreciated for what I do even if the tasks are menial. I don’t need praise for every little thing or a ticker tape parade in my honor. Just acknowledgement. I am sure that sounds strange to some. Being in service is my job and my people are my co-workers and so the praise, raises, conversations and etc that others get at work don’t apply the same to me and my situation but the acknowledgment is still wanted.
When there is a lack in consistency around me I struggle to maintain my own consistency. It’s almost as if it becomes a “what’s the point” moment. It’s hard for me to continue to find happiness in my service when I feel like my service isn’t valued. I am an emotionally driven person and I am very attuned to the moods of those around me and as stupid as it is, I feed off their energy. If they are blah than so am I. If they are happy than so am I. Others mood directly affect me even if their moods aren’t directed at me.
I am a reserved person in general regardless of my prefrences in life. I like sex and its amazing with my Daddy but I don’t have the confidence to ask for it. I don’t have the words to tell him what I want from him or to do to him. There are so many times that I feel he deserves better than me. There are so many times I feel like a broken toy not worth repairing.
The connection built in BDSM is no joke. It’s a strong pull and ache when Daddy is gone. It’s safety in just his touch. It’s grief and loss when it can’t be practiced regularly. It’s comfort and warmth when he gives me that look. It’s freedom in being open and my full self. That connection hurts when I don’t feel valued because it’s what I crave above all else… Connection. That connection gives me confidence to be sexy, to be free, to try new things and happiness and a million other things.
Being a service oriented sub who is also a stay at home mom and full time wife I rely on my connection to my Daddy for love, attention, fulfillment in my role and to keep me grounded among many other things.
Until next time,
Pretty in Pink
Pretty in Pink 